I am at home for lunch with my feelings hurt. That's nothing new. For the past several months, probably, I have been so sensitive I'm even irritating myself. The smallest thing will either make me cry or make me want to lash out. This morning at work I have had poetry critiqued by ignorant people and had to make extensive travel arrangements for one of the editors. Now, if I'd signed on as a personal assistant, maybe this stuff wouldn't bother me, but since I'm the director of marketing, I find it stupid. Anyway, that's not really the problem. It's a compound problem of course, and this morning it was kind of just the last straw.
Trying to make myself feel better, I forced Z to let me get our Christmas tree Friday night even though he had a brief to write which took all weekend. So I decorated it 100% by myself. Again. After he graduated law school I thought I wouldn't have to do things like that by myself anymore. See what I mean? Way too sensitive. He didn't want to get the tree already because he knew he wouldn't have time to do it. But I get depressed if it's Christmas time and I haven't decorated yet. Sigh.
My mind is just going a million different directions today. I'm anxious because I got another job lead with a different state department, but I'm upset because I never heard anything back about the Dept. of Education. I'm mad at my work situation and mad that I'm such a wussy that I just take it. I'm feeling too far removed from my family and friends. I mainly feel trapped at work. I hate it. But my lunch hour is back and I have to leave.
Ebolingham
11 years ago
2 comments:
aww, Jennifer, I feel for you. I did pretty much all the decorating for our house too, and it pissed me off. you probably had envisioned, much like I had, a fire in the fireplace, Christmas music in the background, drinking hot chocolate, and reminiscing together over which ornaments came from where or who...and instead you did the whole thing by yourself while he did his own thing... at least your husband was working, mine was sleeping.
Jennifer... i've been having days like this... I mean, i'm crying over something stupid, or i'm bitterly angry. It's hard to get a grip on it and believe me, I don't have a remedy. It's a constant struggle to thing on things that are TRUE... meaning, I have to stop making assumptions about things that were said or done and take them at face value. I'm sorry, friend! But I do understand!...just not the "angry at husband" part. Not yet, anyway.
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