Silence

Tonight is the last night of bar studying.

Z and I became best friends during the last several semesters of college, but we didn't start dating until one month before his graduation. Thus, from the moment we were a couple, our relationship has revolved around law school. That first summer the problem was that we didn't know which law school he would attend. Then he started school and we were dealing with a long distance relationship, both of us loaded with schoolwork (I was taking my senior courses), and lots of stress about the unknown. We went through 3 years of him dealing with difficult classes, unfair grading policies, the constant struggle of finding a job, literally hundreds of interviews, both of us broke as can be. Last summer we spent apart while he had two different internships. We had months of uncertainty where we didn't have a clue where we would be living or what jobs we would have. When graduation finally rolled around we moved. Of course, that's where my blog picked up, so you know about the waiting and the anxiety. We went through his prep courses and his long days of endless studying. My living room has been piled high with text books, and literally every single conversation we've had has sooner or later been about the bar exam.

Yet tonight I sit here in silence while my husband studies for the last day of the bar exam. I can't believe this is almost over. It has been a constant in our relationship since the beginning. It has been a huge stumbling block for me personally as it has meant many days of self-centered pity parties. There have been many times I've felt neglected, although I know he is not doing this for himself, but for us and our future. I remember that first semester he was in law school. He woke up at 4:00 every morning to study before going to classes all day and studying all night. Neither of us knew what we were getting into. The summer before he started school there, I had a panic attack I suppose on the interstate. With all this turmoil we have been one another's rock. I know that sounds cliche but it's so true. And although I'm not naive enough to think all our troubles are over, it's overwhelming to think this one is almost in the past. It is almost in the past.

Although we won't know the results from the bar exam until late September, I'm 100% convinced that he will pass. Once he returns from Colorado, we will begin our house hunt again. It seems like everything has been put on hold by law school - a huge, impossible hurdle which he will jump tomorrow. After tomorrow our lives can go on. He will receive his promotion and be an actual attorney (well, after September when results come back). I am now employed. Things are back on track.

For some reason it is usually during emotional times like these that I think of my dad. I think about how he would be proud of us. He never really got to know Z, since he was really sick by the time they met. They only were together 2 Christmases, if I remember correctly, and not too many other occasions. But I believe that he approved of Z and would be very proud to see how far we've come. We had certainly had our problems, and I like to think he would be happy to see me happy. Isn't it sad that you never know what to say to someone until you can't? I think he would tell me he's proud of us both.