Silence

Tonight is the last night of bar studying.

Z and I became best friends during the last several semesters of college, but we didn't start dating until one month before his graduation. Thus, from the moment we were a couple, our relationship has revolved around law school. That first summer the problem was that we didn't know which law school he would attend. Then he started school and we were dealing with a long distance relationship, both of us loaded with schoolwork (I was taking my senior courses), and lots of stress about the unknown. We went through 3 years of him dealing with difficult classes, unfair grading policies, the constant struggle of finding a job, literally hundreds of interviews, both of us broke as can be. Last summer we spent apart while he had two different internships. We had months of uncertainty where we didn't have a clue where we would be living or what jobs we would have. When graduation finally rolled around we moved. Of course, that's where my blog picked up, so you know about the waiting and the anxiety. We went through his prep courses and his long days of endless studying. My living room has been piled high with text books, and literally every single conversation we've had has sooner or later been about the bar exam.

Yet tonight I sit here in silence while my husband studies for the last day of the bar exam. I can't believe this is almost over. It has been a constant in our relationship since the beginning. It has been a huge stumbling block for me personally as it has meant many days of self-centered pity parties. There have been many times I've felt neglected, although I know he is not doing this for himself, but for us and our future. I remember that first semester he was in law school. He woke up at 4:00 every morning to study before going to classes all day and studying all night. Neither of us knew what we were getting into. The summer before he started school there, I had a panic attack I suppose on the interstate. With all this turmoil we have been one another's rock. I know that sounds cliche but it's so true. And although I'm not naive enough to think all our troubles are over, it's overwhelming to think this one is almost in the past. It is almost in the past.

Although we won't know the results from the bar exam until late September, I'm 100% convinced that he will pass. Once he returns from Colorado, we will begin our house hunt again. It seems like everything has been put on hold by law school - a huge, impossible hurdle which he will jump tomorrow. After tomorrow our lives can go on. He will receive his promotion and be an actual attorney (well, after September when results come back). I am now employed. Things are back on track.

For some reason it is usually during emotional times like these that I think of my dad. I think about how he would be proud of us. He never really got to know Z, since he was really sick by the time they met. They only were together 2 Christmases, if I remember correctly, and not too many other occasions. But I believe that he approved of Z and would be very proud to see how far we've come. We had certainly had our problems, and I like to think he would be happy to see me happy. Isn't it sad that you never know what to say to someone until you can't? I think he would tell me he's proud of us both.

Day One

Day one of the bar exam: Z said it was the easiest law school related exam he's had. I'm so grateful for all those weeks of non-stop studying, just so he can feel that confident and not scared at all. The test itself is still nerve-wracking and awful, but walking out, I thank God he doesn't have to be worried when he's walking out.

Have to check on the rice on the stovetop.

I Didn't Touch Your F******* Drum Set!

For those of you who don't recognize that quote yet, you must go see Stepbrothers, the new Will Ferrell/John C. Reilly movie. Hilarious. OK, in a very immature kind of way, but if you cracked a smile at Knocked Up, 40 Year Old Virgin, etc., or if you even remotely like Will Ferrell, you will love this movie. I laughed so hard it hurt.

Today I drove to my sister's house and we went to lunch, did a little shopping, then went to see this movie. We had a good time together, and ended up at Coldstone Creamery, even though it was rainy outdoors and almost chilly indoors. You just can't pass up the Coldstone.

Wednesday night cannot, CANNOT get here soon enough. On Wednesday night the bar exam will be over and I will have my husband back, and he will have his sanity back. Unfortunately, Friday morning (early) he leaves on a work trip to Colorado for several days. But after that, we will finally be able to have a real conversation (where I can actually believe he hears what I'm saying), think about possible houses again (put on hold during this horrible bar preparation time), and consider my job possibilities again (dreaded task).

The guy who interviewed/hired Z is not truly his boss, but I think it's common knowledge that another guy is leaving, and he will soon be the boss. Anyway, we went to that guy's home last night for dinner. Delicious food and good company. After starting off the week with an extremely immature Sunday School class of newlyweds (all seemingly 18 years old) and then spending all week at my new job, it was nice to hang out with actual adults and have intelligent conversation.

So tomorrow we are trying a different Sunday School class. Apparently there are enough "newlyweds" (how many years are we going to count?) in the church to warrant having two newlywed classes. From what I understand, it used to just be the one class, but the older couples tended to dominate the conversation and the younger couples who seemed to the teachers to be new in their faith needed more one-on-one time. So they split the class, and it just so happens that Z and I accidentally picked the wrong one. Age-wise I think we might have been in the right class, but otherwise it wasn't a good fit. We seemed more mature than the others and although they were nice and friendly, we didn't feel totally comfortable, so tomorrow we'll be trying the older version of the class. I guess if that doesn't work, we'll be headed somewhere else. The church only has about 50 Sunday School classes for adults.

Say a little prayer for Z if you think about it. We're both confident that he will do well on the exam, but it's still a huge, life-changing event, and a 3-day marathon. So, needless to say, he's stressed.

I Just Have to Shake my Head

Well, today is Friday, thank goodness. This has been a week of realization, incredulation, and dread. Just kidding, it's not that bad. But I'm so happy the week's almost over. I heard through the grapevine that someone I know who used to work there years ago had the same thoughts I do about the place's shortcomings. That makes me feel so much better and less paranoid. I was beginning to think I was the crazy one to feel out of place. But this person had the same problems I do with fitting in with people, learning the assinine rules, and staying sane. It's a wacky place, to be sure.

Yesterday I drove all the way back home during my lunch hour just to escape. That left only about 25 minutes at home, but it was worth it, and I'll probably end up doing that each day.

Tonight we are going to dinner with Z's boss. Talk about nervewracking. That's not exactly a relaxing way to start the weekend, but you never know, he could be lots of fun, and he might even be able to help me out with my present situtation!

The bar exam starts on Monday and ends Wednesday, so please keep us in your prayers. (Yes, us. These kind of things take a toll on the spouse too. I can't wait to have my husband back and be able to discuss something besides torts, contracts, and civil procedure.)

Not so Hooray?

Well, today was my first day. Talk about disorganized - my new company is in the dark ages as far as offices go. Really, you walk in and think you're in 1978. The carpet, the cubes, the decor, the bathroom (!), the hairstyles, etc. Seriously, it's a bit rinky-dink, for lack of a better term.

I'm slightly disappointed. Not necessarily hating it, but it's not going to be quite as nice as my last place. So the job wasn't so great before, but the people were wonderful, and the atmosphere itself was OK. The building had at least been brought up to code, and I might have been in a cube, but at least it was semi-private. Now I'm in the middle of the room, with my back to the door.

The new place doesn't even have an HR department. It has the one woman who apparently runs the whole show. And she still hasn't told me my salary. We discussed it vaguely during the interviewing/hiring process, but we have not decided on a specific amount yet. And when I asked her about it again at the end of today, she waved me off and said, "Oh, we'll talk about it tomorrow."

Also--I so took this for granted at my last job--I have to clock in - 3 times! There are 3 different systems to keep up with time, even for salaried employees. First, you clock in with your fingerprint (misleading, because that's the only piece of real technology in the place), then write on a sheet of paper what time you came in so that the receptionist knows at a glance who's in the building (this is because there are no individual phone lines - all calls go through the receptionist...don't get me started), then you have to keep a time card at your desk and turn it in every two weeks. All this, and I'm probably getting a pay cut, which I frankly thought was financially impossible!

And, when I go to lunch, I must tell the do-everything woman so that she knows exactly when to expect each person back. We are expected to take the same lunch hour everyday. It can be whenever you choose (11:00, 12:15, etc.) but it must be the same hour each day. Huh? Couldn't she just call and if I don't answer, leave me a message?? I mean, my fingerprint, list at the front desk, and time card will all prove I didn't stay gone longer than an hour - why would she need us all to check in with her? So I guess I stand corrected: there are 4 methods to keep up with my hours. Ugh.

Also, I have no job title or description. All day long I heard, "Oh, and I might ask you to help me with this. And this. And this." Now, anyone who knows me knows I don't mind responsibility, as long as it is RELEVANT. But these were totally random items like, I might need you to answer the phones during lunch, or volunteer to clean the kitchen, or make travel arrangements for people. Seriously. What does that have to do with me? And then when people found out what I used to do at my old job, they immediately linked me with the woman who does that for this company, saying, "Oh, well, you have experience with that, so you can help her." Excuse me, but was I hired to be her assistant? Why would I help her with that? She's been doing it for 35 years. I did it for 10 months. I bet she's fine. And I have my own job! It's as if I'm expected to continue doing everything that was on my resume from the past. "Oh, I see you were once a writing tutor. So I'll expect you to edit all my emails before I send them out..."

And we're only allowed to use the Internet for personal reasons twice a day for 10 minutes at a time. And we are to limit personal phone calls to 2 minutes. Here's how I feel about that: if I am hired to do a job, and I do that job, I'm going to take as many 10 minute breaks as I need to stay sane. If I'm salary and will occasionally have to stay late with no extra pay, then I expect to be allowed to stay at lunch 10 minutes late sometimes without penalty. If my work is good, my attitude is good, I'm not MIA at weird times during the day, and I don't smell like pot - leave me alone. Otherwise, I am mature enough and responsible enough to know when I should not be checking my email or chatting away on the phone. That what I went to college for - to know how to act in society. (I feel like George Costanza: "Ya know, we're living in a SOCIETY here!")

With all that being said, it is NOT that bad. I was just expecting so much more. I mean, realistically, the place is at least 5 times smaller than my last office, and it's run by 3 people who have been there since the 60's, so I should have expected them to be outdated and a little clueless. But really - no eating or drinking at our desks?? Sometimes I want a freaking pack of crackers at 3:00 in the afternoon and I don't want to fingerprint out and go sit in the break room for 10 minutes...

(Also, I would just like to point out that I was asked to show up 30 minutes late this morning so that everyone could get there before me and get my paperwork ready. I had no idea I was going to be hourly for the first 90 days, so I would like those 30 minutes back please.)

Z and I originally thought we could carpool, but that would mean, in order for him to be at work on time (downtown traffic can be a real bitch) I would have to be at work probably 30 minutes early, and leave 30 minutes late. And sometimes I'd be stranded for lunch. I realized today I'm not going to be spending ANY extra minutes there. [The reason he would be the one dropping me off and stranding me is because he will be receiving a state car. His department actually has money.]

So, I'm not giving up. Tomorrow will be better and the day after that will be better. But, here's the honest truth. I was underpaid and underappreciated at my previous job. If this turns out to be a step backwards, it is not going to last. At least I had really great friends at my other job, and that made it OK. Now there is only one person semi-near my age. Everyone else is either in highschool (only about 3 people I think, out of 32) or 50+ and that is proving awkward.

I guess we'll see, and I'll definitely keep posting about it.

HOORAY!

I'm freakin' employed!

My interview was at 10:30 yesterday morning, and by 4:30 they'd called to offer me the job! I will start on Monday. The interview went very well (obviously), and although I think the office atmostphere is going to be very different (less professional) than my last office, I think it might be a good opportunity to gain new skill sets and become more marketable. How fortunate, since my new title is Director of Marketing.

After my interview, I went to lunch with Z, then went back to his office to brainstorm on how to decorate. His office is so large (I'll be in a cubicle again...) that it needs lots of help.

Then I went home and stayed on the phone all afternoon with my sister, brother, and friend, until the publishing company beeped in to hire me.

After Z came home, we had dinner and then went to a baseball game. The baseball team here is named the Biscuits, and they were playing the Birmingham Barons, so it was hard to decide who to cheer for. It was Elvis night (I have no idea why), which was interesting. There was an impersonator and lots of Elvis songs all night. It was lots of fun, and the weather was quite surprisingly mild (it helped that the stadium is right on the river).

This morning we got up early to go to the store and purchase lots of things for Z's office - plants, planters, a mirror for the back of the door, frames for some pictures, desk decor, etc. Then we went downtown to his office to decorate. It took FOREVER and we got lots of strange looks from security (his building is the Criminal Justice building), but the office is really starting to look great. Now when he gets his diploma in the mail and we can hang it, it will look even better.

We came back to Prattvegas for lunch, and then I went clothes shopping for my new job. Not as much fun as I'd hoped. First of all, both my mom and sister were busy today, so I went shopping alone. I hit Belk first, because they're moving locations and were having a huge sale. It was already incredibly picked over, though, and all I found was one shirt and two purses. Then I went to Goody's (my goal was not to leave Prattvegas again). There I got jeans. Not for work, I realize, but I needed them... Next I went to Cato's next door and found a skirt, a pair of shoes, and two tops. Finished up with Target with 2 pairs of Isaac Mizrahi pants. When it's a trillion degrees outside, it is really exhausting to try on a trillion different outfits.

Now I'm home and really tired. Tomorrow we're going back to the church we visited last weekend and liked pretty well. We'll see how it goes tomorrow. Z and I think Sunday School should be at 9:45 and church at 11:00, but apparently nobody does that anymore, and this church is the worst! Their Sunday School classes are split into two times, so that you choose when you go to Sunday School, and when you go to church. There are 3 services (2 traditional) at 8:15, 9:30, and 10:45 with Sunday School during the first 2 services. The only SS classes that pertain to us are during the 9:30 service, so we'll be attending church at 8:15. That's so weird. Last week we got home and took a nap before lunch...

Interview

I've got a job interview tomorrow morning! It's with a publishing company very similar to the one I just left, although it's much smaller. Regardless, I'm hopeful, and I'll post the outcome, of course. Wish me luck!

So Sore!

I haven't posted in a while because I've been utterly exhausted. Last week, Z and I joined the Y, and we've been working out pretty often. We've been going to use treadmills/weight machines in the evenings (I only use the treadmill), and I've been going to Pilates class on Tues/Thurs, but on Monday of this week I decided to try out the aerobics class to see how I liked it. I didn't.

It was not just an aerobics class; it was a step class. And it was excruciating. There was no warm up or cool down period. Seriously. It was just nonstop, and I am nowhere near in shape enough to do that. Needless to say, yesterday and today, I have been incredibly sore in my calves. Walking around after sitting is painful, but going up and down our apartment stairs (especially with armfulls of groceries) is atrocious.

This past Sunday Z and I visited a new church, and it seems like it might be a much better fit for us. It is much more traditional (I think I've mentioned how we feel about contemporary services) and it's large with a thriving social scene. We meant to go to Wednesday night services tonight but wound up meeting my brother halfway between Prattvegas and Montevallo for him to bring my official transcript to me. We had a lovely dinner.

I needed my transcript because I'm applying for a job and they requested it. I will have to overnight the application package tomorrow because the job opening officially closes this Friday, and I just found the posting this morning. Oh well.

It is almost time for the Bar exam. I don't know if the B should be capitalized, but it sure as heck feels like it. Only 12 more days until the first day of testing. I cannot wait for this to be over. Z studies an average of 9 hours every singly day, and he is constantly stressed about one factor or another. He can't relax until it's over, but two days after it's over (it's a 3-day exam) he is headed across the country on a business trip. So it'll be mid-August until he's calm again, probably.

Maybe sometime soon I'll have some exciting news, like a new job! You never know.

Pilates

So I went to pilates this morning. I was the first one there, so I sat on a couch and read a magazine until people started showing up. There were only 6 other people, plus the instructor, so when we paired up, I had to be partners with the instructor. The class was good though - sort of relaxing, sort of challenging, sort of out of my comfort level (I didn't know anyone else), and sort of rejuvenating. After the class, the instructor talked to me for a while and complimented me, which felt nice. I was able to do more of the advanced moves than anyone else in class (of course I was the youngest one by at least 45 years), and I left feeling great about myself. Now it's almost 7:30 at night and I can start to feel the soreness taking effect. That's OK though. The next class isn't until Thursday. Once I get a job I won't be able to attend 8:30 am classes, so I better enjoy it while it lasts.

Improvements

It is very easy to become depressed when you're unemployed. I can only imagine how it would be if I'd lost my job, because it's depressing enough when you're unemployed because of your own will (sort of). For the past two months, I have struggled with issues from having no job. I made really good friends at my last job -- friends I still keep in touch with and still miss. So leaving them was really tough. When Z didn't start his job until a month after he should have, I felt a ton of pressure on me to find a job. It was (cliche warning) sort of hard to get out of bed in the mornings. I'm the type of girl who doesn't leave the house without her makeup on and her hair fixed, but I started wondering why I even bothered when all I did was sit around the apartment all day cooking or cleaning or generally feeling like a loser. Some days I didn't even change out of pajamas. That really starts to get a person down.

But all of that is changing now. Z has finally started his job, the bar exam will be over soon, tomorrow is his last night class, and yesterday we joined the YMCA. During college, I took a series of yoga, pilates, and aerobics classes, and joined that with walking with my friends almost every morning. During those 3 or 4 semesters (the time I met and became best friends with Z) I lost tons of weight. To the point where my family didn't like it and told me I was too skinny. After I graduated though, I lived in one town after another where I wanted to find a class, but it was always one inconvenience after another. And I gained weight. And I started planning a wedding and got totally stressed and got married and had financial problems, and supported my husband when his schoolwork was more important than him having a job, and had to quit my job and move when neither one of us wanted to. I gained weight. I started to hate looking at myself in the mirror, clothes shopping, or even getting dressed in the morning. My self esteem just got completely zapped and I knew that hating myself was the next step if I didn't do something.

Z feels sort of the same way about himself (although he's not a girl, so there's probably not the same self-loathing involved), and we both just want to feel better and look better. So we'd discussed joining the Y for a while, even before we moved here. It's just so expensive, initially. The monthly cost is not that much, but there's a start-up fee of $100, plus the first month. Anyway, we figured that unless we made a financial commitment, we wouldn't stick to a plan.

So, yesterday afternoon, after church and lunch, we toured the Y and picked up an application. We sat in the car, filled it out, returned it and worked out that evening. Then we came home, showered, etc., and after dinner we went to Wal-Mart for various things. While there, I got new nail polish, blush, and lipstick. It hit me that I'd never ever purchased lipstick. I have lip gloss of course, but never lipstick. Maybe it's shallow, but this morning when I put on my makeup, even though I had nowhere to go, I felt better about myself.

This evening, while I was cleaning up the kitchen after cooking dinner (parmesan oven-fried chicken -- very good), Z called and said his class had gotten out early and we'd have time to go work out together. We made it there around 9:00 and I did 2 miles on the treadmill. Tomorrow I'm going to take a pilates class.

I feel better already.

OMG

I had several OMG moments today.

1. I think I may be developing cankles.

2. I almost couldn't control my rage at the bank tellers this afternoon.

3. The sweet potato souffle at lunch today was really not good.

4. Z is being sent to Boulder, CO at the beginning of Aug. to attend a conference, and all of the costs (over $2500) have to be applied to his credit card until after the trip when they reimburse him.

Samuel

Last Thursday my friend had a beautiful baby boy named Samuel. Yesterday I got to meet him for the first time, and visit with her for the first time in over a week. (We used to work together, and I miss her immensely.)

I am so in love with baby Samuel. I spent 5 hours at their home watching, holding, feeding Samuel, and I loved every second of it. He is healthy, happy, and extremely blessed to have gotten two such great parents. They are both complete naturals, and the love they have for their new baby is overwhelming to say the least. What a blessing.

I didn't take any pictures, but my friend took a couple while I was holding him, and hopefully she'll email them to me when she gets the chance.

Wedding Weekend

This past weekend, my aunt married a wonderful man. She'd asked me to sort of be in charge of setting up for the reception site and the rehearsal dinner site, so I got there on Friday afternoon and was on my feet all weekend.

I left Prattvegas at 8:00 Friday morning so I could have time to go to Pell City for a hair appointment, pick up my brother, and head for Atlanta. We had a lot of fun driving there, listening to Elton John's Greatest Hits and singing loud. Surprisingly enough, we didn't hit any bad traffic until literally 5 miles before our exit. We parked for about 10 minutes, with people getting out of their cars and looking hopeless. That was pretty scary because I did not want to worry the bride, as I was in her shoes not too long ago. I wanted her to feel completely confident that I would take care of everything I was supposed to take care of.

Little did I know, the bride herself was running way behind schedule. She was caught in traffic later on while picking up tablecloths, the set up team (my grandparents, aunt, etc.) and I were all kicked out of the church (where my aunt is a member) right before the rehearsal, so we had to return that night after the rehearsal dinner to finish set up for the reception.

My brother and I raced over to the rehearsal dinner site where we had exactly 1 hour to meet the caterer, set up tables and chairs, send someone to the grocery store, put out decorations, and clean up for guests. We had my aunt and uncle, another uncle, and a cousin and his wife to help us. Everything came together, but it was literally as the bride and everyone else were walking in the door. Whew.

After the rehearsal dinner, which was just lovely, we had exactly one hour to put away everything, clean up, etc., before we had to be out of the facility. Then we went back to the church to finish setting up. (And I'm sure if those kooky people knew it, they would have had us arrested.)

Wedding day arrived and was beautiful. We all went over to the church to see how we could help. I got to follow my aunt around carrying her train for a while, which was fun to have that time with her. It got HOT before the ceremony though, since the wedding was at 2:00, and I had to go in to chill before everything got started. Lots of extended family was there, and it was great to see everyone again.

The wedding ceremony was beautiful and nearly flawless (the preacher forgot the Lord's Prayer...), and then the reception was very nice as well.

Somehow I've gotten my formatting all mixed up, but the first picture is me right before the wedding. Then it is my brother and me at the Rehearsal Dinner, then of course my aunt the bride, then the bride and groom at the Rehearsal Dinner.